| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|04:14 am] |
|
UGhhh. Broke my three day fast six hours early, with a sandwich and a biscotti. I finished work late which meant I missed the last bus and am now chilling in a 24 hour Second Cup coffee shop, waiting till the bus at 5:49 am. It could be worse, I could be outside, where it is freezing bloody cold. I'm so annoyed with myself, breaking a seventy two hour fast early and not with the food I planned...not cool. I keep reminding myself I'm better than that, I should really know better by now, god knows I've learned my lessons by nows. Anyways I was just so tired and drained I ate the first thing for sale on the counter at the coffee shop, which screws up all my plans. Blah. Well moving on. I did lose three pounds in three days, and I'm planning on making it five before Friday. I need a new plan for today, any ideas, suggestions, favorites anyone would like to share? I like to keep things new and interesting! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|04:35 pm] |
Okayy, today will be good:)
Fasted yesterday, felt okay all night, then this morning blacked out every time I stood up, and felt like I was gonna throw up,so I made some chicken soup.I honestly couldn't even taste it, which worries me. That was about 150, then I had half a cup of go lean kashi cereal(70) and around a quarter cup of milk(33)so the grand total so far:253. Not bad, considering the boyfriend was here:) Plus he had some of the soup. I'm really exhausted and I need energy to do my work, sooI made some coffee with splenda, and I think that should do the trick.
I took a laxative yesterday around noon, and even doubled the amoutn you're supposed to take, and it hardly did anything.I'm 92.25 this morning though, after some soup, with a tshirt on.
I got soo close to 90 last time, I was half a pound off,and that was the day before thanksgiving and my week-long binge. Yeah.
So, yesterday was a fresh start,and I feel great so far:)
I wish the very best of luck to all of you<3<3<3 |
|
|
| Not as stressed as I should be |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|05:45 pm] |
I'm so getting a B in a class that I had a solid A in. Shitty paper+incomplete reading assignment= FAIL! I also have a final tomorrow that I have yet to study for. Most likely I won't start till after midnight when this reading assignment is due and then my Final begins promptly at 9 am! But after that I don't have to worry about anything till Thursday or Wednesday evening if I'm smart (which I'm not).
Lost more weight today:
164>162.5>160.5
3.5 pounds since sunday. I'm only 1.5 away from my goal that I want to reach by 12/19. If I pass my goal, all the better!
Doing well food-wise today. Under 600 so far and all that's left is dinner which will be a giant bowl of veggies and maybe some chicken broth. I suppose I could make a soup or something.
It's amazing how much better I feel now that I'm not eating so many carbs. I'm not as bloated as I usually am and that makes for comfortable living. Every single day that my clothes don't fit is more motivation for me to lose this weight that I've put on. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. My willpower is coming back. In two weeks time, things should start to feel more routine and should take a lot less effort. Wish me luck. I hope I am able to stay strong through all of this. I feel like an addict going through detox lol!
Also, anyone out there have an iPhone (just in case you haven't read my previous post)? Holla. |
|
|
| In response.. |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|06:34 pm] |
I commented on a post while I was taping my eyes to the screen playing Mario. Forgive me if I don't make sense. Give me 1,000 melatonin jars for Christmas & everything would be fine. Anyways..
I'd hate to see everyone in this community bash eachother. NO I AM NOT TAKING SIDES. But we all have rights to voice ourselves.
& Now to get my voice out.
A.) If you don't like how this tightly knit community is or what we are about, why did you join? Personally, I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. So even if I'm bound to people on the internet, it doesn't matter. It makes me smile to see I have backup within my feelings. There are other communites in LJ. Don't like us, delete.
B.) ...Fatty? What's with the name calling??? I wouldn't dare call anyone that even on the internet because...- Karma
- The person who posted it might not be what *we* labeled "fatty".
WE ALL NEED SUPPORT! If names hurt us...Why would we want to hurt people the same way? In my head, I get it. Anger. My own mouth is loose when I'm angry- I spit curse words & derogatory shit everywhere. But the same way we take things as hurtful, others do, too. That particular "other" can have our feelings deep down so in reality, *we* are just aiming tomatos at OURSELVES.
If this makes no sense, I'm sorry. I'm only typing what's in my mind in no order. Yeah. But c'mon guys..... I know this seems candycoated & I usually hate everything candycoated but I thought this was a support community.
Remember the A & B. & Re-think why you joined if you had hateful words. If I get any negative comments... well, type what you must. I will not get offended. After all, it's only the internet & I can't hit you if I'm all the way in New York.
Happy Tuesday. Stay warm, loves. |
|
|
| my computer is acting weird so here is a backlog of posts that accidentally posted to my journal?? |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|05:27 pm] |
Dec. 7th
I had such a disappointing lunch today. I would rather have not eaten at all than eaten that crap! I scrounged around in the fridge for veggies and only found the frozen ones. I would open the bag and see nothing but ice with bits of veggies in it, but I would try to cook it anyway. Yup, freezer burned. All of it. But I tried to eat it anyway and cover up the flavor with sweet and sour sauce, wasabi paste, soy sauce, bbg sauce... and nothing helped. I didn't end up finishing to say the least. Just FYI: If your freezer breaks and your food defrosts, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT put it back in the freezer after it's fixed. It will never taste fresh again. Gross. Off to go find dinner...maybe.
Intro Post
Dec.6th
God, I never thought I'd get back to this point again, but alas I've admitted to myself that, no, I'm not over my ED and, yes, I need help... losing weight first and then recovery. A little about me (I'm assuming most of the member have changed):
Just graduated college (literally yesterday) with a degree in Japanese. I managed to graduate with honors, but I won't know which specific one till after finals and then the posting of final grades. I'm looking for work in Japan and have already applied for one job. China is my next option. Stats are as follows:
Height: 5'9"
HW: 180
LW: 142.5
CW:164 (yuppers)
GW1: 159 by 12/19
GW2:155 by 12/25
GW3:150: by 12/31
UGW: 125 by 4/16/10 (my 23rd birthday)
I've been ED-NOS with bulimic tendencies since 2007. I'm currently dealing with outrageous bingeing without purging. My wisdom teeth are fucked up due to acid erosion already so I've been avoiding purging. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II and have been stable on a low dose of meds for quite some time now. I couldn't really tell you the last time I was really depressed. There was a small relapse in September, but I didn't get as down as I used to and came out of it pretty quick. I'm sick of being the current size that I am. My clothes don't fit... AGAIN! If any of you would like to know more about me, don't hesitate to ask.
I am looking for and excited to meet new friends, so hit me up! Also, for any of you out there with and iPhone, I currently use the LoseIt! app and now we can support friends and such. I kinda want to test out the new features so let me know if you'd be interested in kind of being "buddies" in the non pro-ana/pro-mia sense. I'm not looking to spiral out of control again. I want to be happy like I am now, just thinner and depression is a no-no. Just let me know and we'll add each other. Again, it's kinda nice to be back and I'm looking forward to reading your posts. |
|
|
| Oh what a horrible night....With an amazing morning |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|03:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my casa | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rain noises | ] |
ok SO last night I went out with my Boyfriend Daniel and a couple, Doc and Tyff who are our best friends and live 3 or so hours away. So the night started rough, Doc's parents made us all dinner and I broke my fast, I only had some salad but I was kind of disappointed in myself. So then after dinner we had a few drinks and sat and talked to the parents. We then decided to go play pool....worst decision of the night. Daniel and Doc love their cars and Daniels care is stupid fast, to the point where when he hits boost he has made people throw up in his car. 420 all wheel horsepower Audi A4 ( for anyone who knows about cars ). Well Doc's car is only slight slower. Tyff had never ridden in the Audi so Daniel and tyff went together and I rode with Doc. They raced off a streetlight and right past a cop. We slid into a neighborhood cut the engines and duck, next thing the Audi pulls in behind Doc and I and Daniel and Tyff run off. Then the cops find us 5 cars and a drug dog. Search the cars give us all hell for an hour. Doc and I convince Daniel to come back because they were going to impound his car. So when he comes back he gets a ticket for street racing and resisting arrest. Because of previous driving tickets and tickets from a party he had he is in deep shit. At this court date he is facing an automatic 10 days in jail, heavy fines, most likely losing his license for a year, on top of what ever they decide to give him for last nights tickets.
So when all was said and done about that we went back to Doc's parents house and got completely hammered. I drank so much beer I am disgusted because of the calories, but at that point everyone was too stressed and anxious and just beat. We all got drunk and watched Don Juan De Marco and the Princess Bride.
So because of last nights failure I am fasting today. Water and possibly tea only.
I have a chemistry final in the morning and am stressed and upset from last night and I don't have any cigarettes left. ( Doc and I smoked 2 packs combined in the hour we were pulled over )
So this morning was much improved though.
I am very happy about it actually.
He has decided to sell his Audi, which is not the good part, I told him no he shouldn't. He said he needed the money to start his life. I told him he was only 21 years old he has plenty of time. heres the best part!!!
he then asked me to marry him :D
I said yes, it doesn't seem real yet but I just can't help but smile in the face of all that has gone wrong. |
|
|
| :S |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|08:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
ok so i feel kindof lost now... i've the feeling people see me in the wrong light because of the discusion about this place, and it just made me feel horrible. i don't really care if people think i'm fake or anything... i know i'm not...
and it really helps me to have such a communitie... it makes me feel less lonely... makes me feel i can do what i want... but i don't know now... i just feel everyone is against me now or something... just like irl....:(
i just totaly broke down after school today... i just ate atleast 900 cals... but i didn't had anything else today so i atleast are under 1000 (i try to stay under 1000 always) i needed something for myself today... so i bought myself a partydress for christmas atleast it was a small... but there is one thing... my upper body is a small now... but my bottum is still medium... i so hate that:( but i liked the dress on me... it made me look smaller.
anyway i'm a little confused now... wasn;t expacting people would think i'm making people starf themselves... and i now i'm not going to be able to sleep right now... and i'm probably going to binge more... arg i just HATE this week... and its only thuesday.
sorry if i harmed anyone of you guys... i really don't mean to
hug
mathilde |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|10:21 am] |
I don't think that appetite suppressants respond to sushi. I ate an entire 500 calories worth of roll and it affected the damn scale number this morning. Should have ordered the sashimi instead.
How is it 40 degrees in Southern California? Doesn't seem right. burrrr... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|01:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
Is it just me, or does anyone else get irritated when people try to tell you diet "secrets" that you already know? I have this theory that nobody actually wants their female friends to lose weight. My friends are constantly on my case about "eating healthy" and "taking it easy". Why, I don't know, because it's not like I broadcast my eating disorder. I make no secret of the amount that I exercise, which is a lot I suppose, but I think that's fine since exercising is technically good for you. But the calorie-counting/restriction is for me alone--nobody knows the extent of it, except for you guys. :P Yet I find myself constantly faced with this advice: "You should eat several small meals a day if you want to lose weight. Starving is not good for you." And they tell me this like they are some sort of diet expert letting me in on this ~exclusive~ dieting secret.
First of all, no shit. No offense, ~friends~, but I probably know more about nutrition, dieting, exercise, and calories than all of you combined (I'm not talking about you guys just so we're clear, I'm talking about IRL friends). I've known that eating several times a day is good for your metabolism for years. I know that skipping meals is counter-productive. I have a fucking eating disorder, so what I know and what I do may be at odds sometimes. Sue me.
Second of all, just because I'm losing weight doesn't give people an invitation to start with the advice and false sympathy or whatever it's supposed to be. Back off.
Third, if people were actually freaking worried and think I'm "going about things the wrong way," then why do so many of these people ask me for diet tips? Lmao.
And finally, they may be right, but omg, it's quite an assumption to make to think that someone is starving herself just because she's losing weight. How bold can you get?
Andddd my rant is done. Thank you for listening, I'll be here all week. lol. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|05:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
I am soo mad at myself! i binged and purged. Feel so weak now. Ughhh why i am so F*king stupid. Tomorrow i will suceed, i will not eat! i will be skinny. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|04:31 pm] |
sweet chili sauce is not fun to purge. My throat feel like fire.
Christmas shopping is now DONE :D
The only thing i need to buy now is a pair of jeans, but to do that i first need to find a place that sells UK size 6, and doesnt charge £30 a pair, and then, i need to tell my dad that primark don't sell my size. he's not going to be a happy bunny. On the plus side, he knows that i've been doing pilates, so i can blame the loose waistband on muscle resculpting or something.
I'm meant to be going to my schools speech day today. the speech day itself isn't too bad. But no jumpers, compulsory skirt, a freezing hall, plus a half hour bus trip there then back, and add in time waiting in the rain, it's just not worth it. |
|
|
| "A Sun Came' |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|09:37 am] |
| [ | music |
| | "A Sun Came" - Sufjan Stevens | ] |
Yesterday was good. I had about 600 cal because I was working late so the office got dinner. I couldn't really say no.
Today's going to be even better!
So far:
Half a high protein breakfast bar: 80 cal
Green tea: 0 cal :)
I have a 100 cal south beach diet snack bar for lunch. Then dinner will be small since I have class tonight.
So I'm aiming for 300-350 today.
I'm in the office early this morning (we have the exhibit list for our upcoming case due on friday so I'll be spending every waking hour here until we finish haha) so I didn't work out this morning. Oh well, I'm going over to Josh's after class and sex burns calories! haha
Hope you all are doing well and remember: You're all beautiful!!
xox
- Alice |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|06:11 pm] |
Hey everyone,
So I am the worst fucking over eater. I'm not even exaggerating. I just eat when I'm not at school. And it's constant. The worst bit is that now, I'm on holidays for two whole months! I just eat till my stomach feels like it's going to pop. It even feels so full, that you can't even stand properly. I do this everyday. Oh God.
I'm gonna be a whale when I go back. Maybe I just need encouragement to not eat?
I think I need something I can drink all day, any suggestions?
I've tried throwing up. I did it for two months, but I couldn't keep doing it. I'm kinda pathetic.
Please help me. Anything. I just need it. PLEASE.
-cass |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|01:00 am] |
Does anyone want to post how they found this community / why they are here? Even anon commenters, please.
I feel like it's gone from diet and ED mutual support and help, to mostly ED (which I think coincided with ABCamp and PA waiting room getting shut down, but I could be wrong) and now that's attracting a lot of anti-ED hate. I'm not talking about one specific entry, more about how there's starting to be anonymous comments left on entries by "do-gooders" again, which was what happened when someone posted the link here on 4chan to try to get it overrun with those retards. (It didn't work obviously) But I also want to know why/how people are joining up, since there have been a few serious do-good posts as well.
So if you have ED, are just dieting but supportive, or are against ED (well against wannas? You can't really be against ED unless you completely don't understand it. It's not controllable), how did you find this community?
For me: I'm against ED but supportive of those who are struggling with it (if that makes sense?) and a normal dieter who doesn't like to have restrictions imposed by moderators on sites like caloriecount.about.com where you can get banned for eating less than 1200 calories per day. I just think that's BS. I found this community via searching for dieting support comms on LJ.
Side notes: anyone who needs dieting support but is into being healthy, I highly recommend caloriecount.about.com . Trust me, you will not make any headway trying to change people here. No one has ever been cured of a disease via a stranger on the internet telling them to.
Note 2 - if you don't want non-members seeing / commenting your entries, do not forget to click the arrow to the left of the "post" button and select "Members" from the menu. It's one of the easiest things that can be done to keep this community at least a little private. At least that way people have to actually create a journal before posting silliness to your entry.
Sorry if no one really cares about this post / this issue, but last time this started happening, it got out of control with the 4chan thing and at least a few girls were seriously hurt by negative comments. And that kind of thing starts from someone joining, not liking what they see, and deciding to "do something " about it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|02:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
Can't really update.
I've stayed away from the scale out of fear, but I'm still a size 1. My sleep has been at the scale of ...0. I've had no sleep in 3 days & counting. I'm so drained I can't even exercise. I tried but failed. I feel like I'm going to faint or something. As disgusting as it is, my body has turned soft on me. No more muscle. It's all flab. But my size is low.
I am ugly.
& I suck. Okay, so I got a 96 on my last test. I want 100. Why can't I get to there? Why am I so stupid?...
Anyway, I've been thinking of taking dance lessons. Do you guys think it'll be a good idea to take ballet at my age? If not, what about modern dance?
Also...
Is it weird that I don't binge on food...
But I binge on diet cream soda??!?!?
LOL.
Goodnight guys/girlies. Pleasant dreams. I'm sorry I've been so distant. I need my credits.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|02:18 am] |
I feel terrible about the mindsets girls have in this community.
Do you realize how you are all setting yourself up for failure?
Humans need to eat to survive, if you plan on not eating, and "fail", you might as well hate yourself for breathing, too. You need to eat, you need to breathe, you should not consider yourselves failures because it happened.
I know most of you suffer from anorexia or bulimia, or both, and trying to rationalize is much easier said than done. I am not meaning to judge or offend, I actually am trying to give my deepest sympathies but also explain the extreme frustration I feel toward a group of girls encouraging each other to die.
..and not ONLY die, but die unhappy, unhealthy, and unsatisfied.
I'm not exactly sure what goes through the mind of someone who is anorexic or bulimic, but I ask you all to really think about this:
What is better, being thin and completely unhappy? Or just being fucking happy?
It may seem impossible.. and I imagine most of you would opt for being thin and unhappy.. but when you are happy, when you are truly happy, it doesn't matter how thin you are, because you're just happy. When you're happy you don't care because everything is good. It may seem crazy, but it actually IS possible to be happy, and beautiful, even without loosing those last few pounds.
It makes me so upset that it seems to me that some of you will just never experience happiness.. which is what you all seem to be seeking by starving yourselves, but no one ever reaches happiness that way. One goal becomes a lower one becomes a lower one. Happiness never comes.
I realize I am alienating myself from this community right now and I expect a lot of negative responses from this entry, but I just felt like I needed to get my opinion out on this, and if I am unwelcome after this then I wish you all the best of luck, and most importantly happiness.
As a girl trying to loose a few pounds a healthy way, it has become too much for me to just completely ignore the attitudes, advice, and self hate presented in this community like I have been, just for a few supportive comments toward my personal goals. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|10:07 pm] |
|
I just binged again at night what keeps happening. i dont eat all day and i just had cheese and crackers and chocolate. ughhhh again. i hate myself. i want to cryyyy |
|
|
| ugh |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|05:51 pm] |
Holy shit, im never binging again!
Found the most disgusting article, a girl ATE HERSELF TO DEATH while binging!!! She was found over a damn toilet between 12 and 72 hours after her death.
The poor girl was only 19. See the girl ate 5.6 Liters of food and her stomach literally burst (the human stomach can only hold 4 liters!!!)
www.2medusa.com/2008/09/bulimia-killswarning-graphic-pictures.html theres the link, warning there is a pic of the girl. |
|
|
| uh oh.... |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|04:09 pm] |
So I am a little worried. Two of mine and Daniels ( my boyfriend ) good friends came into town, every time they are home we go to their parents house and they cook a lot of food. I don't know what i can do to politely turn down their food. I usually eat when I go over there, but I'm fasting so I wont. any suggestions on what I can do?
I don't want to eat but at the same time I don't want the parents to think I'm being rude.... |
|
|
| (thinspo) |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|11:10 am] |
I almost tried to recover, then my good friend talked me out of it<3 Thankyou.
I'm painting again, I'm doing well. I'm not thinking about suicide, at least not today.
I have my coffee with splenda, it's raining outside, and I'm in love.
Speaking of rain, it's fucking pouring and I decided I needed to run, but didn't want anyone to think I was crazy, soo..
I went outside and stood there for a while wearing absolutely nothing but an oversized tshirt, and ran up and down my stairs barefoot, in the pouring rain. And I'm gonna do more in a little bit after I finish my coffee. Also taking laxatives todayy, hope they work. I usually have to take twice the recommended amount for anything to work. Blahh
I really hope all of you beautiful people are doing well<333
Talk if you want, I'm always here:)
( Un, Deux, Trois.. ) |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
anas_perfection's Friends Page